Prue DeAraugoChild-Centered Parenting
January 12th 2007 17:12
Hello Everybody,
I wanted to get back to my original topic of Child-Centered Parenting. By this I mean a parenting style that takes into account the thoughts and feelings of our children. This is much more difficult than it sounds and tends to run opposite to the common belief that children are to be seen and not heard. This ties in with my last post because in order to take into account our children’s thoughts and feelings, we have to slow down and listen to them. I think that as a society we have lost connection with what once was very intuitive to us.
Life has become very complicated and fast-paced and unfortunately our children have to fit into our schedule or timeline. No longer do we have the luxury of letting our children find the best time for them to eat, sleep, and play. We must “fit” them into our lives because we do not have the time to let them “be” children. This is the sad truth of our civilized life. I hear it all the time from other parents. There just is not enough time, so children are made to do things that are against their better nature; hence we have cranky, upset, moody, and ill-mannered children who are being run from one appointment to the next. Now I apologize to anybody who finds themselves in this predicament, and my intention is not to offend, so much as to point out what I see as a major problem in modern parenting.
When we had my beautiful daughter four years ago, I had prepared myself for the worst. I had heard all the horror stories, and I was very surprised, when we didn’t have the “challenges” that I was hearing from others. Not to say my daughter doesn’t challenge us, because she does on a daily basis, but we were not having the same “challenges.” For example, when we first brought my daughter home, we pretty much held her and kept her with us all the time. Everybody in the family wanted to take a turn holding her and rocking her and putting her to sleep etc.
We didn’t have the loud excessive crying that many complained about. At first we thought, we were just “lucky” and that it was just her temperament or disposition. Later we would find that there were other such instances that were equally uncanny in regards to what others were experiencing. When it came to feeding we were careful to make sure she received all that she needed but again it was on her schedule not ours. We received much advice about how we should feed at certain times to get them to sleep through the night etc. Now I know no two babies are the same and what works for one may not work for another, but there seemed to be a thread to the way our daughter was growing up.
When she was old enough to eat solids, we were told by her pediatrician that she could eat things from our plate and as long as she was getting her main food groups not to worry if she didn’t eat too much. So again, we didn’t have issues getting her to eat. Sometimes she would eat a big breakfast, no lunch, and so-so dinner. Sometimes she would skip breakfast, eat a big lunch and big dinner. I mean the common thread was it was on her time.
Now when we started taking her out and we took our first trip with her when she was like seven months, everybody told us that she was too young and would cry the entire time on the airplane, she did no such thing. Again we knew it was the cabin-pressure and the ears plugging up during landing that usually caused children to cry, and so we took pre-cautions with having something for her to drink and eat during these times along with books to read to her etc. We had a blast in Hawaii and to this day she loves to fly and travel. She loves meeting new people and going new places. Now some parents we knew were having difficulty just going from the house to the grocery market and back let alone Hawaii.
The common thread again, is that we never force our daughter to do things like take a nap, eat, etc. It’s just not worth it. The other thing I see is that sometimes parents want to “fit” their new child into their single life-style. In other words, they want to continue living the way they were living before the child came. This can cause a lot of problems because children have very short attention spans and can very easily be over stimulated.
An example of this may be a parent going on a shopping spree that includes three stores and few stops here and there and then visiting grandma or whatever and this can be way too much. The child will usually not be able sustain past the first store unless he or she is asleep. And this is key because to expect the child to work around your schedule is just setting yourself up for stress and frustration. We usually would plan our days around our child.
Now I know this is going to get some feedback but that’s alright, that’s what this is all about. If we were going to go to the store we would keep in mind the fact that our daughter was probably only going to be “good” for a couple of strong hours and this was with everything she needed (clean diaper, juice, toys, stimulation). Yes I said stimulation. We always interact with the baby, she is a vital part of our lives, and hence when we would go to the store, we would talk to her and point things out and name them and sing to her, well you get the idea.
Now we would have very good trips to the market and grandma’s etc, but here’s the second key: We would not wake her when she fell asleep. If she was asleep obviously she was tired, so to wake her would be asking for a cranky child. Now this may seem obvious to some, but I have seen so many parents either force their child to sleep when they weren’t sleepy or wake them up when they were. This is just counter-intuitive and asking for trouble. Now if most of us know all this, and we do, you have to ask yourself why do folks do it? I believe the answer goes back to my previous post of we don’t have the time, or we think we don’t have the time, hence we have to feed, bathe, visit, sleep, you can fill in the blank with whatever you want, during a specific window allocated for it. Otherwise it won’t get done.
But here’s a thought, why do they have to do all those things? If we take them to grandma’s house and they fall asleep on the way, what’s wrong with letting them sleep until they wake up? Or do they have to rush to take their bath every morning or evening at the same time before they go to school or bed? I know so many parents who tell me that getting their children to bathe is a big problem. I can’t get my child out of the bathtub. It has always been a peaceful loving experience for her and she relates it as such. She loves to just soak in the tub and play. She loves to scrub and wash herself, to the best of her ability. I would like to think that I am just a wonderful parent, and while I may be
I think there is something else going on here. Many have commented on how well my child behaves etc. and of course they haven’t seen the other side, but for the most part she is really well-behaved…ahem.
I believe Child-Centered Parenting is taking into account the child’s thoughts and feelings and this includes respecting what they want. It also takes into account the child’s timeline and what is possible for them. One big trip to the market may be all they can handle. And in the end, is it really worth it to stress-out and try to do more? I believe if we can slow down and get into the rhythm of our child, because everybody’s children our different, we can start to see a common thread to what makes for a happy child and more importantly a happy parent.
In love and gratitude,
George
I wanted to get back to my original topic of Child-Centered Parenting. By this I mean a parenting style that takes into account the thoughts and feelings of our children. This is much more difficult than it sounds and tends to run opposite to the common belief that children are to be seen and not heard. This ties in with my last post because in order to take into account our children’s thoughts and feelings, we have to slow down and listen to them. I think that as a society we have lost connection with what once was very intuitive to us.
Life has become very complicated and fast-paced and unfortunately our children have to fit into our schedule or timeline. No longer do we have the luxury of letting our children find the best time for them to eat, sleep, and play. We must “fit” them into our lives because we do not have the time to let them “be” children. This is the sad truth of our civilized life. I hear it all the time from other parents. There just is not enough time, so children are made to do things that are against their better nature; hence we have cranky, upset, moody, and ill-mannered children who are being run from one appointment to the next. Now I apologize to anybody who finds themselves in this predicament, and my intention is not to offend, so much as to point out what I see as a major problem in modern parenting.
When we had my beautiful daughter four years ago, I had prepared myself for the worst. I had heard all the horror stories, and I was very surprised, when we didn’t have the “challenges” that I was hearing from others. Not to say my daughter doesn’t challenge us, because she does on a daily basis, but we were not having the same “challenges.” For example, when we first brought my daughter home, we pretty much held her and kept her with us all the time. Everybody in the family wanted to take a turn holding her and rocking her and putting her to sleep etc.
We didn’t have the loud excessive crying that many complained about. At first we thought, we were just “lucky” and that it was just her temperament or disposition. Later we would find that there were other such instances that were equally uncanny in regards to what others were experiencing. When it came to feeding we were careful to make sure she received all that she needed but again it was on her schedule not ours. We received much advice about how we should feed at certain times to get them to sleep through the night etc. Now I know no two babies are the same and what works for one may not work for another, but there seemed to be a thread to the way our daughter was growing up.
When she was old enough to eat solids, we were told by her pediatrician that she could eat things from our plate and as long as she was getting her main food groups not to worry if she didn’t eat too much. So again, we didn’t have issues getting her to eat. Sometimes she would eat a big breakfast, no lunch, and so-so dinner. Sometimes she would skip breakfast, eat a big lunch and big dinner. I mean the common thread was it was on her time.
Now when we started taking her out and we took our first trip with her when she was like seven months, everybody told us that she was too young and would cry the entire time on the airplane, she did no such thing. Again we knew it was the cabin-pressure and the ears plugging up during landing that usually caused children to cry, and so we took pre-cautions with having something for her to drink and eat during these times along with books to read to her etc. We had a blast in Hawaii and to this day she loves to fly and travel. She loves meeting new people and going new places. Now some parents we knew were having difficulty just going from the house to the grocery market and back let alone Hawaii.
The common thread again, is that we never force our daughter to do things like take a nap, eat, etc. It’s just not worth it. The other thing I see is that sometimes parents want to “fit” their new child into their single life-style. In other words, they want to continue living the way they were living before the child came. This can cause a lot of problems because children have very short attention spans and can very easily be over stimulated.
An example of this may be a parent going on a shopping spree that includes three stores and few stops here and there and then visiting grandma or whatever and this can be way too much. The child will usually not be able sustain past the first store unless he or she is asleep. And this is key because to expect the child to work around your schedule is just setting yourself up for stress and frustration. We usually would plan our days around our child.
Now I know this is going to get some feedback but that’s alright, that’s what this is all about. If we were going to go to the store we would keep in mind the fact that our daughter was probably only going to be “good” for a couple of strong hours and this was with everything she needed (clean diaper, juice, toys, stimulation). Yes I said stimulation. We always interact with the baby, she is a vital part of our lives, and hence when we would go to the store, we would talk to her and point things out and name them and sing to her, well you get the idea.
Now we would have very good trips to the market and grandma’s etc, but here’s the second key: We would not wake her when she fell asleep. If she was asleep obviously she was tired, so to wake her would be asking for a cranky child. Now this may seem obvious to some, but I have seen so many parents either force their child to sleep when they weren’t sleepy or wake them up when they were. This is just counter-intuitive and asking for trouble. Now if most of us know all this, and we do, you have to ask yourself why do folks do it? I believe the answer goes back to my previous post of we don’t have the time, or we think we don’t have the time, hence we have to feed, bathe, visit, sleep, you can fill in the blank with whatever you want, during a specific window allocated for it. Otherwise it won’t get done.
But here’s a thought, why do they have to do all those things? If we take them to grandma’s house and they fall asleep on the way, what’s wrong with letting them sleep until they wake up? Or do they have to rush to take their bath every morning or evening at the same time before they go to school or bed? I know so many parents who tell me that getting their children to bathe is a big problem. I can’t get my child out of the bathtub. It has always been a peaceful loving experience for her and she relates it as such. She loves to just soak in the tub and play. She loves to scrub and wash herself, to the best of her ability. I would like to think that I am just a wonderful parent, and while I may be
I think there is something else going on here. Many have commented on how well my child behaves etc. and of course they haven’t seen the other side, but for the most part she is really well-behaved…ahem. I believe Child-Centered Parenting is taking into account the child’s thoughts and feelings and this includes respecting what they want. It also takes into account the child’s timeline and what is possible for them. One big trip to the market may be all they can handle. And in the end, is it really worth it to stress-out and try to do more? I believe if we can slow down and get into the rhythm of our child, because everybody’s children our different, we can start to see a common thread to what makes for a happy child and more importantly a happy parent.
In love and gratitude,
George
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Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I'm all for child centred parenting but there are occasions where the child just needs to stop dawdling and get a wriggle on.
There was a while there where I would struggle getting my second child to have his day time sleep because his older sister had stopped her sleeps. He still needed them whereas his sister didn't.
I agree with what you have said in your post, but sometimes kids just need to do as they're told - sometimes parents know best
When I only had one child, I found it very cruisy. I was the queen of child centred parenting but when baby no 2 and baby no 3 came along some adjustments needed to be made. Unfortunately, some kids get woken, some kids get rushed. Nature of the beast.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by George
The Re-Parenting Revolution
good to see you again! I think we have to give up the idea that we know what's best for the child in all cases. Surely when it comes to safety nobody would argue that we tell the child what to do, but I would like to suggest that in other areas that are not as critical that we listen to our children. What makes us think we know best? If my daughter says she's not hungry, as she did for the past day, and I force her to eat, only to find that she had a stomach flu, did I really know best? I believe children know way more than we give them credit for and the main point is can we get down on their level and align ourselves with their natural rhythm? If we can, I bet our lives would be a whole lot easier.
In love and gratitude,
George
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Love & stuff
Mrs M