Prue DeAraugo
RyanaChild-Centered Parenting Part II
January 22nd 2007 03:24
Hello Again,
I wanted to add a few things to the topic from last time. I know some may be thinking that child-centered parenting is just an excuse for spoiling our children. I have to say that I know some still think that you can spoil your child by picking them up, but the truth is that you cannot spoil an infant by picking it up. I want to repeat this so that it sinks in…you can’t spoil an infant by picking it up. When a child cries it is telling us that something is wrong with its world. Either it needs to be fed, changed, or held. Children are dependent upon adults to provide these essentials for them. If a child is provided with these when it cries it learns that it is safe. All is well in its life. Life is good. This is important because it is during these first few years that the child is hard-wiring its brain for what will determine the rest of its life.
Some believe that by picking up a child when it cries will spoil the child, but I would like to suggest that this is not the case. I actually heard some parents say that their child is manipulating them. An infant child cannot cognitively conceive of this kind of thinking. To allow an infant cry when it needs something is negligent and can be detrimental to the child. The child that is allowed to cry actually learns that nothing comes when it cries, no nurturing, no food, no safety. Eventually if this is allowed to continue the child learns helplessness and stops crying. The child stops crying because it has learned that there is no hope and nothing will come of it.
On the other hand, those children that are comforted and responded to when they have needs learn trust and safety. These children grow up with a feeling that life is a safe and good place. These children usually have a higher sense of self and higher self-esteem. They become loving empathic children that have the capacity to feel for others. As the child grows the child remains securely attached to the parent and has less need to cling because the child has had its needs met consistently and therefore is free to go out and explore the world. In essence the child becomes more autonomous. This may sound counter-intuitive since we are giving the child so much of our attention during the child-centered parenting, but remember this is just for the first five years. The child will naturally want less and less to do with the parents as she moves through the developmental stages. Attachment is actually different than clinginess or neediness. The latter is actually cultivated when a child is not given what they need; hence when they get it they cling and seem needy. Think of a child with a “love cup” and they need to have it filled. If the child’s cup is consistently full, they are not thirsty or “needy” and if it is empty, then they are constantly looking to fill it, and clinging desperately to what little they can get to fill their cup. Children get their cup filled when we give them hugs, praise, reward them for a job well done. These sorts of things increase the child’s self-esteem and sense of mastery, whereas the opposite is also true. When we yell, lose our patience, dismiss a child’s opinion, not listen, criticize or judge them. These sorts of things actually decrease their self-esteem and take away from their “love cup.”
In love and gratitude,
George
I wanted to add a few things to the topic from last time. I know some may be thinking that child-centered parenting is just an excuse for spoiling our children. I have to say that I know some still think that you can spoil your child by picking them up, but the truth is that you cannot spoil an infant by picking it up. I want to repeat this so that it sinks in…you can’t spoil an infant by picking it up. When a child cries it is telling us that something is wrong with its world. Either it needs to be fed, changed, or held. Children are dependent upon adults to provide these essentials for them. If a child is provided with these when it cries it learns that it is safe. All is well in its life. Life is good. This is important because it is during these first few years that the child is hard-wiring its brain for what will determine the rest of its life.
Some believe that by picking up a child when it cries will spoil the child, but I would like to suggest that this is not the case. I actually heard some parents say that their child is manipulating them. An infant child cannot cognitively conceive of this kind of thinking. To allow an infant cry when it needs something is negligent and can be detrimental to the child. The child that is allowed to cry actually learns that nothing comes when it cries, no nurturing, no food, no safety. Eventually if this is allowed to continue the child learns helplessness and stops crying. The child stops crying because it has learned that there is no hope and nothing will come of it.
On the other hand, those children that are comforted and responded to when they have needs learn trust and safety. These children grow up with a feeling that life is a safe and good place. These children usually have a higher sense of self and higher self-esteem. They become loving empathic children that have the capacity to feel for others. As the child grows the child remains securely attached to the parent and has less need to cling because the child has had its needs met consistently and therefore is free to go out and explore the world. In essence the child becomes more autonomous. This may sound counter-intuitive since we are giving the child so much of our attention during the child-centered parenting, but remember this is just for the first five years. The child will naturally want less and less to do with the parents as she moves through the developmental stages. Attachment is actually different than clinginess or neediness. The latter is actually cultivated when a child is not given what they need; hence when they get it they cling and seem needy. Think of a child with a “love cup” and they need to have it filled. If the child’s cup is consistently full, they are not thirsty or “needy” and if it is empty, then they are constantly looking to fill it, and clinging desperately to what little they can get to fill their cup. Children get their cup filled when we give them hugs, praise, reward them for a job well done. These sorts of things increase the child’s self-esteem and sense of mastery, whereas the opposite is also true. When we yell, lose our patience, dismiss a child’s opinion, not listen, criticize or judge them. These sorts of things actually decrease their self-esteem and take away from their “love cup.”
In love and gratitude,
George
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Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Great post.
Love & stuff
Mrs M