Depression - Parents Precinct

August 3rd 2009 23:48

I mentioned recently that I would be posting a piece written by one of my closest friends. This raw and honest account of her feelings and thoughts prior to being diagnosed with Post-Natal Depression is truly emotional. I watched my good friend’s troubled journey and supported her throughout but it was not until I read this that I could actually grasp what she had been feeling. Her hope, and mine, is that by putting her story ‘out there’ that it may bridge the gap between ignorance and understanding. Please note that some of the content written is of a mature nature.

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In June 2008 I wrote a Diary entry (for a non-existent diary actually) but as an attempt to put on paper how I felt and possibly to give it to my husband so he could understand how I felt. My first child, Sadie, was 2 and 7 months and my second child was nearly 1. It had been a difficult time since the second child had arrived and many of my friends were aware of how I was feeling. I never shied away from discussing with people how I was finding parenting , on a few occasions I recall one or two girlfriends asking me "Do you think you've got Post Natal Depression?" "Um…” (tilting my head to the side and seriously thinking hard into my own insight )…"No , I don’t think so. I'm sleeping O.K, my appetite is good, I wake up every day and get dressed and want to look nice. No, I feel like this because of this or because of that. I found lot of reasons…Sadie was really the Devil, my husband spent too much time at work, I just needed more time out to myself away from the kids. Besides it's not like I hadn't already thought of it, being a midwife after all you'd think I'd know!

JUNE 2008 DIARY ENTRY

Oh my God! It is crazy how terrible your own children can make you feel. I've had 3-4 days that have seen me fail. Feelings of loss of control, everything is a battle and a sense of inadequacy. You start on the slippery slope of failure and it quickly spirals out of control. That describes my day with Sadie…. "No dear". "No, didn't you hear me?" "No" "No" "No" "NO" "NOOO" "NOOOO!" The words start out compassionate and patient and respectful and the tension twists them into bitter, loud pointing the finger, gritting through teeth, "NO"S!!!". At times I feel like I've exasperated the whole scenario. I made it a failure, not Sadie. Aren't they supposed to be innocent? Aren't they without malice and spite? Aren't they following the example we set as parents?

"We"…that brings me to husband. It's the parenting alone feeling (despite logic and rationale) I feel the most when everything is 'hitting the fan'. ‘I’ feel like the failure, not 'we'. But they belong to both of us! Sometimes I feel like he is not there for me. How I feel and the problems of raising a 2 year old does not take priority over his work. Can't he see I'm hurting?. I need him. I need help. He has no idea of what it can take to get through a day. He has a sense of separation or breathing room that spares him most of the heartache that I'm going through. He makes me feel like a spoiled brat. The fact that I can't cope with 'normal 2 year old' behavior or the workload of 2 children is weak of me. A weakness I have. I'm sure he wishes I was made of stronger stuff. I'm sure he thinks I make wrong parenting decisions. And if it so, that I do have 'weaknesses' is it right that he leaves me hanging out to dry, toughen up and get used to it. It's not acceptable for me to complain?
He rises to the challenge, 'soldiers on', 'bears the load'; something I don't seem to be able to do or practice. I should just get on with it.

When I suggest we have some couple time away from the kids (which I desperately crave) he laughs at the idea but it's not laughable that he still wants sex. It's OK to still want and get sex when you've got two kids but not a night out for romantic dinner or any part of the 'old life' we used to have.

But not all my days are bad. I think I turn most days into a success or a level playing field at least. And my husband isn't always the 'enemy' but because he isn’t in my shoes he's easy to blame, until he’s walked a mile in my shoes he doesn't truly appreciate how hard it is or how bad the ‘bad days’ really can be. And maybe if he did, he'd never have such bad days because he'd handle every situation better? Maybe? But that doesn't make me feel any better when I can't change who I am, faults and assets (if I have any!) That's irrational talk there. But that's why shit turns into more shit because one does tend to generalize and exaggerate when irrational, upset or stressed.

Of course he’s not selfish, but he does place love making at a much higher priority than a dinner date and that annoys me. Yes the latter requires more planning but I feel it's worth it. So why don't I organize it? Well at the time of writing this, I don’t feel much like it myself anymore. In the past it seemed to difficult because I was breastfeeding, kids weren’t sleeping or settling well, babysitter cancelled etc. Anyway…today I should have vacuumed, mopped the floors and cleaned the toilets. Husband wonders what I do all day. Well I tell you if I didn't do it, you'd know about it. If I took a day off you would see what I do all day.

Signing off, Anna (who's crap and possibly a bit hormonal!)

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Posted By: Prue DeAraugo - Category: Depression

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Silent Suffering -Postnatal Depression

August 15th 2008 03:37

Most couples are thrilled when they find out they are going to have a baby. If it is their first, they often spend nine months reading all the books about being a good parent, and researching the best baby products to buy. As the months go by the excitement builds, as time draws nearer to meeting the new family member.

It is supposed to be one of the happiest times in a woman’s life right? Not for the one in seven women that suffer postnatal depression. I was lucky that I did not suffer from it myself; the baby blues yes, but post natal is completely different.

I have been thinking about his a lot over the last few weeks, after a friend confessed that she had been suffering from it for over a year. She told me that for the first two weeks of her baby’s life she could not stand to be near him. Every time he cried, she cried, because she did not want to go to him. She gave up breast-feeding within three months because she did not want to be so close. It was diagnosed early on and she was given medication, but sometimes I wonder if the bonding has already gone wrong by this time.

I read somewhere that a mother needs to hold and bond with her baby in the first three days after the birth or the mother child attachment can go wrong. I always thought he was a bit of a whinging child, but now I see the whole situation in a new light. I wonder if the child can feel that the attachment is not what it should be and whinges because he wants his mothers attention. Creating a cycle in which mum finds it hard to be with someone that whines so much.

I was in shock for several days after I heard her story because I did not see the signs, none of us did. She chose to suffer in silence. It is common for people not to talk about postnatal depression for fear of being judged.

It is time the stigma surrounding depression is removed. It is time we stopped judging women who are not coping perfectly with the stress of birth and following weeks of sleeplessness.

Symptoms
The Beyond Blue website, outlines the signs that someone may be suffering from depression (of any kind including postnatal) as follows:

• moodiness that is out of character
• increased irritability and frustration
• finding it hard to take minor personal criticisms
• spending less time with friends and family
• loss of interest in food, sex, exercise or other pleasurable activities
• being awake throughout the night
• increased alcohol and drug use
• staying home from work or school
• increased physical health complaints like fatigue or pain
• being reckless or taking unnecessary risks (e.g. driving fast or dangerously)
• slowing down of thoughts and actions

Recovery
The sooner it is diagnosed and treated, the sooner and more effectively, a person is likely to recover. If you suspect that, either you or a friend is suffering from any kind of depression check out the BeyondBlue website for resources including a list of health professionals who specialise in depression.

Another thing keep an eye on dad. A recent US study showed that fathers of nine month olds are twice as likely to suffer from depression than other men. Depressed dads are less likely to read to their toddler causing language delays. Babies whose dads are depressed two months after birth are likely to show behavioural problems by three years of age.

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Posted By: Sara Dobson - Category: Depression

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