PND...Anna's Story
August 3rd 2009 23:48
I mentioned recently that I would be posting a piece written by one of my closest friends. This raw and honest account of her feelings and thoughts prior to being diagnosed with Post-Natal Depression is truly emotional. I watched my good friend’s troubled journey and supported her throughout but it was not until I read this that I could actually grasp what she had been feeling. Her hope, and mine, is that by putting her story ‘out there’ that it may bridge the gap between ignorance and understanding. Please note that some of the content written is of a mature nature.
In June 2008 I wrote a Diary entry (for a non-existent diary actually) but as an attempt to put on paper how I felt and possibly to give it to my husband so he could understand how I felt. My first child, Sadie, was 2 and 7 months and my second child was nearly 1. It had been a difficult time since the second child had arrived and many of my friends were aware of how I was feeling. I never shied away from discussing with people how I was finding parenting , on a few occasions I recall one or two girlfriends asking me "Do you think you've got Post Natal Depression?" "Um…” (tilting my head to the side and seriously thinking hard into my own insight )…"No , I don’t think so. I'm sleeping O.K, my appetite is good, I wake up every day and get dressed and want to look nice. No, I feel like this because of this or because of that. I found lot of reasons…Sadie was really the Devil, my husband spent too much time at work, I just needed more time out to myself away from the kids. Besides it's not like I hadn't already thought of it, being a midwife after all you'd think I'd know!
Oh my God! It is crazy how terrible your own children can make you feel. I've had 3-4 days that have seen me fail. Feelings of loss of control, everything is a battle and a sense of inadequacy. You start on the slippery slope of failure and it quickly spirals out of control. That describes my day with Sadie…. "No dear". "No, didn't you hear me?" "No" "No" "No" "NO" "NOOO" "NOOOO!" The words start out compassionate and patient and respectful and the tension twists them into bitter, loud pointing the finger, gritting through teeth, "NO"S!!!". At times I feel like I've exasperated the whole scenario. I made it a failure, not Sadie. Aren't they supposed to be innocent? Aren't they without malice and spite? Aren't they following the example we set as parents?
"We"…that brings me to husband. It's the parenting alone feeling (despite logic and rationale) I feel the most when everything is 'hitting the fan'. ‘I’ feel like the failure, not 'we'. But they belong to both of us! Sometimes I feel like he is not there for me. How I feel and the problems of raising a 2 year old does not take priority over his work. Can't he see I'm hurting?. I need him. I need help. He has no idea of what it can take to get through a day. He has a sense of separation or breathing room that spares him most of the heartache that I'm going through. He makes me feel like a spoiled brat. The fact that I can't cope with 'normal 2 year old' behavior or the workload of 2 children is weak of me. A weakness I have. I'm sure he wishes I was made of stronger stuff. I'm sure he thinks I make wrong parenting decisions. And if it so, that I do have 'weaknesses' is it right that he leaves me hanging out to dry, toughen up and get used to it. It's not acceptable for me to complain?
He rises to the challenge, 'soldiers on', 'bears the load'; something I don't seem to be able to do or practice. I should just get on with it.
When I suggest we have some couple time away from the kids (which I desperately crave) he laughs at the idea but it's not laughable that he still wants sex. It's OK to still want and get sex when you've got two kids but not a night out for romantic dinner or any part of the 'old life' we used to have.
But not all my days are bad. I think I turn most days into a success or a level playing field at least. And my husband isn't always the 'enemy' but because he isn’t in my shoes he's easy to blame, until he’s walked a mile in my shoes he doesn't truly appreciate how hard it is or how bad the ‘bad days’ really can be. And maybe if he did, he'd never have such bad days because he'd handle every situation better? Maybe? But that doesn't make me feel any better when I can't change who I am, faults and assets (if I have any!) That's irrational talk there. But that's why shit turns into more shit because one does tend to generalize and exaggerate when irrational, upset or stressed.
Of course he’s not selfish, but he does place love making at a much higher priority than a dinner date and that annoys me. Yes the latter requires more planning but I feel it's worth it. So why don't I organize it? Well at the time of writing this, I don’t feel much like it myself anymore. In the past it seemed to difficult because I was breastfeeding, kids weren’t sleeping or settling well, babysitter cancelled etc. Anyway…today I should have vacuumed, mopped the floors and cleaned the toilets. Husband wonders what I do all day. Well I tell you if I didn't do it, you'd know about it. If I took a day off you would see what I do all day.
Signing off, Anna (who's crap and possibly a bit hormonal!)
_____________________________
In June 2008 I wrote a Diary entry (for a non-existent diary actually) but as an attempt to put on paper how I felt and possibly to give it to my husband so he could understand how I felt. My first child, Sadie, was 2 and 7 months and my second child was nearly 1. It had been a difficult time since the second child had arrived and many of my friends were aware of how I was feeling. I never shied away from discussing with people how I was finding parenting , on a few occasions I recall one or two girlfriends asking me "Do you think you've got Post Natal Depression?" "Um…” (tilting my head to the side and seriously thinking hard into my own insight )…"No , I don’t think so. I'm sleeping O.K, my appetite is good, I wake up every day and get dressed and want to look nice. No, I feel like this because of this or because of that. I found lot of reasons…Sadie was really the Devil, my husband spent too much time at work, I just needed more time out to myself away from the kids. Besides it's not like I hadn't already thought of it, being a midwife after all you'd think I'd know!
JUNE 2008 DIARY ENTRY
Oh my God! It is crazy how terrible your own children can make you feel. I've had 3-4 days that have seen me fail. Feelings of loss of control, everything is a battle and a sense of inadequacy. You start on the slippery slope of failure and it quickly spirals out of control. That describes my day with Sadie…. "No dear". "No, didn't you hear me?" "No" "No" "No" "NO" "NOOO" "NOOOO!" The words start out compassionate and patient and respectful and the tension twists them into bitter, loud pointing the finger, gritting through teeth, "NO"S!!!". At times I feel like I've exasperated the whole scenario. I made it a failure, not Sadie. Aren't they supposed to be innocent? Aren't they without malice and spite? Aren't they following the example we set as parents?
"We"…that brings me to husband. It's the parenting alone feeling (despite logic and rationale) I feel the most when everything is 'hitting the fan'. ‘I’ feel like the failure, not 'we'. But they belong to both of us! Sometimes I feel like he is not there for me. How I feel and the problems of raising a 2 year old does not take priority over his work. Can't he see I'm hurting?. I need him. I need help. He has no idea of what it can take to get through a day. He has a sense of separation or breathing room that spares him most of the heartache that I'm going through. He makes me feel like a spoiled brat. The fact that I can't cope with 'normal 2 year old' behavior or the workload of 2 children is weak of me. A weakness I have. I'm sure he wishes I was made of stronger stuff. I'm sure he thinks I make wrong parenting decisions. And if it so, that I do have 'weaknesses' is it right that he leaves me hanging out to dry, toughen up and get used to it. It's not acceptable for me to complain?
He rises to the challenge, 'soldiers on', 'bears the load'; something I don't seem to be able to do or practice. I should just get on with it.
When I suggest we have some couple time away from the kids (which I desperately crave) he laughs at the idea but it's not laughable that he still wants sex. It's OK to still want and get sex when you've got two kids but not a night out for romantic dinner or any part of the 'old life' we used to have.
But not all my days are bad. I think I turn most days into a success or a level playing field at least. And my husband isn't always the 'enemy' but because he isn’t in my shoes he's easy to blame, until he’s walked a mile in my shoes he doesn't truly appreciate how hard it is or how bad the ‘bad days’ really can be. And maybe if he did, he'd never have such bad days because he'd handle every situation better? Maybe? But that doesn't make me feel any better when I can't change who I am, faults and assets (if I have any!) That's irrational talk there. But that's why shit turns into more shit because one does tend to generalize and exaggerate when irrational, upset or stressed.
Of course he’s not selfish, but he does place love making at a much higher priority than a dinner date and that annoys me. Yes the latter requires more planning but I feel it's worth it. So why don't I organize it? Well at the time of writing this, I don’t feel much like it myself anymore. In the past it seemed to difficult because I was breastfeeding, kids weren’t sleeping or settling well, babysitter cancelled etc. Anyway…today I should have vacuumed, mopped the floors and cleaned the toilets. Husband wonders what I do all day. Well I tell you if I didn't do it, you'd know about it. If I took a day off you would see what I do all day.
Signing off, Anna (who's crap and possibly a bit hormonal!)
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