Sara Dobson
Rachel Henwood - Freelance WriterWhy children Lie
November 24th 2008 10:53
“I touched a hippo,” my friends seven year old told her Aunt when she asked about his trip to the zoo.
“Really?” replied his Aunt.
“Er, I don’t think so,” replied my friend who had also been at the zoo the day before.
Why did he make up that story?
Because touching a hippo is very exciting, and maybe somewhere deep down he believes he really did. All children lie, it is part of pretend play, it starts at about three years of age and peaks around seven or eight years of age.
Why do they lie?
• There are several reasons children lie:
• Because it is more interesting in the truth, in the case of the hippo story.
• To protect themselves or somebody else from trouble, “no I didn’t get into a fight today.”
• For love and approval, either from their parents or among their peers, for example telling your parents, “I am the best runner in the class.” When the truth is you didn’t even get your gym gear out.
When do children start lying
According to Doctor Victoria Talwar, an assistant professor at Montreal’s McGill University, the ability to lie is linked to intelligence levels. In order to lie, a child needs to be aware of an alternate reality, and that you can manipulate someone else to believe in your reality, in a way that is favourable to you. Therefore, the bright side is, if your three year old is an accomplished liar, you may well have a genius on your hands.
Children can start lying from as early as 2-3 years of age and peak at around seven years. According to Talwar, by the time a child reaches four years old they will lie about once every two hours, while a six year old will lie every hour and a half.
Where do they learn such behaviour?
Children learn everything by watching their parents. So think very carefully next time you are on the phone to someone you do not want to talk to, and say “sorry I can’t talk I have got the baby in the bath,” children don’t distinguish between social and antisocial lies. It is not until they reach seven years old they can distinguish between the two.
We also teach our children to lie deliberately. If they are given a present they don’t like we tell them to smile and hide their disappointment. It is not surprising children may be confused when they are told off for lying, when they see their parents doing it.
What should you do about it?
There are a few things you can do to encourage your child to be a bit more honest such as:
Reward honesty rather than just punishing the transgression. So if they admit they hit their brother praise them for owning up. So they understand there are consequences for hitting someone but owning up is a good thing.
Explain to them why its better to be honest
Externalise it – tell them mummy will be proud of them telling the truth
Try not to cross examine them or grill them, it will only cause them to lie more to get out of the situation.
Do not set traps – for example if your child has hit their younger brother or sister and you know they did, don’t ask them “Did you hit her?” Just from the tone of your voice, they know they did wrong and immediately lie. Instead, just deal with the problem.
Talwar suggests that you do not over dramatise the problem. All children tell lies, just like my friends son, it sounds exciting to have touched a hippo, they just may need reminding sometimes about fantasy and reality.
“Really?” replied his Aunt.
“Er, I don’t think so,” replied my friend who had also been at the zoo the day before.
Why did he make up that story?
Because touching a hippo is very exciting, and maybe somewhere deep down he believes he really did. All children lie, it is part of pretend play, it starts at about three years of age and peaks around seven or eight years of age.
Why do they lie?
• There are several reasons children lie:
• Because it is more interesting in the truth, in the case of the hippo story.
• To protect themselves or somebody else from trouble, “no I didn’t get into a fight today.”
• For love and approval, either from their parents or among their peers, for example telling your parents, “I am the best runner in the class.” When the truth is you didn’t even get your gym gear out.
When do children start lying
According to Doctor Victoria Talwar, an assistant professor at Montreal’s McGill University, the ability to lie is linked to intelligence levels. In order to lie, a child needs to be aware of an alternate reality, and that you can manipulate someone else to believe in your reality, in a way that is favourable to you. Therefore, the bright side is, if your three year old is an accomplished liar, you may well have a genius on your hands.
Children can start lying from as early as 2-3 years of age and peak at around seven years. According to Talwar, by the time a child reaches four years old they will lie about once every two hours, while a six year old will lie every hour and a half.
Where do they learn such behaviour?
Children learn everything by watching their parents. So think very carefully next time you are on the phone to someone you do not want to talk to, and say “sorry I can’t talk I have got the baby in the bath,” children don’t distinguish between social and antisocial lies. It is not until they reach seven years old they can distinguish between the two.
We also teach our children to lie deliberately. If they are given a present they don’t like we tell them to smile and hide their disappointment. It is not surprising children may be confused when they are told off for lying, when they see their parents doing it.
What should you do about it?
There are a few things you can do to encourage your child to be a bit more honest such as:
Reward honesty rather than just punishing the transgression. So if they admit they hit their brother praise them for owning up. So they understand there are consequences for hitting someone but owning up is a good thing.
Explain to them why its better to be honest
Externalise it – tell them mummy will be proud of them telling the truth
Try not to cross examine them or grill them, it will only cause them to lie more to get out of the situation.
Do not set traps – for example if your child has hit their younger brother or sister and you know they did, don’t ask them “Did you hit her?” Just from the tone of your voice, they know they did wrong and immediately lie. Instead, just deal with the problem.
Talwar suggests that you do not over dramatise the problem. All children tell lies, just like my friends son, it sounds exciting to have touched a hippo, they just may need reminding sometimes about fantasy and reality.
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I guess whatever the cultural norms kids still have a way of copying everything you do. They will all probably expose your lie at the most inconvenient time..
Krystal,
Congrats on your wedding. Having kids is a learning curve. When I had mine I had no experience of babies really infact the first time I baby sat my nephew I was 28 and I put his nappy on back to front and my 14 year old neice had to point it out to me. Still I managed to learn on the job some how. And obviously with each new stage I am learning more.
Sara
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
I love that bit about having a genius on your hands. Small comfort
Love & stuff
Mrs M