Prue DeAraugo
RyanaVirginia Tech Shootings
June 2nd 2007 06:17
I have still been trying to wrap my mind around the fact that a student by the name of Cho Seung Hui, age 23 murdered 32 people and wounded 15 others before killing himself. This is such a horrific tragedy and my thoughts and prayers go out to all the families involved in this horrible event. As a marriage and family therapist, life coach, and president of a company that provides parenting to the community, I can not help but think of the implications of somebody such as Cho who had become so estranged from society and so bitter and angry that he felt the need to murder innocent people. My first thought after my sympathy towards the victims is to wonder what kind of childhood someone like Cho had endured. My educated guess is that he was not very close to his family and there was definitely not any attachment. Children don’t just one day wake up and decide they are going to murder a large number of people. This is something that is cumulative and has been seething for many years. Often times, there is a history of abuse, and in Cho’s case there appears to be a history of mental illness. I would like to suggest that somehow Cho is also a victim in this horrific tragedy. I believe that we are seeing the breakdown of so many families and without the proper parenting skills and mental health screenings in the schools we will continue to see such shootings. I have coordinated school based services in the Orange County and Los Angeles County School Districts and I am aware of all the problems that these children face. These events are troubling on many levels, but this is becoming an ongoing trend where children are shooting children. We have a troubled society when this becomes the case. No other time in history do we see children murdering children. I believe this is a symptom to a much deeper cause. Until we start making life better for these children we will continue to see this kind of violence. It really should not come as a surprise when we look at the violent video games, music, and media images that are embedded in the thoughts and minds of our children. Television has become so increasingly violent that there is nothing appropriate for a pre-school child to watch except for public television and home and garden television, and even then they must be supervised lest they fall prey to media advertising that is just as psychologically scarring as some shows. We are a country that glorifies war and holds it up as the answer to all our problems. We are not teaching peace and negotiation, but rather that power comes through the barrel of a gun. I believe that we need to start to work on the things that connect us rather than disconnect us to one another. We need to see how we are alike, rather than different. We have to learn to share and that there is enough for us all in this abundant world. I believe that children ought to be introduced to the outdoors and to learn how to cooperate at an early age. Part of Cho’s motive was revenge. This is right out of the parenting handbook of why children misbehave. Rest assured, I am not minimizing what he did, but rather suggesting that Cho never learned to fit in and cooperate from a young age. He never learned coping skills and problem solving like the rest of his peers. This is huge because so much of our education is based on autonomy, independence and winning. There is nobody teaching cooperation, empathy, and the satisfaction of doing your best. These are noble qualities but they are not being taught in our schools. We put too much emphasis on children being right, perfect, better, and not enough emphasis on allowing the child to become who they might be inside. This all causes undo stress and creates a false sense of self that is not connected to the child’s reality at all. Most children do not feel good about themselves and don’t have enough self-esteem to dress, act, and be exactly who they want to be. We don’t reward that in our society, instead we want our children to fit in and to be molded into something we can look at and understand. We need to provide role-models for our children who have good core values. We also need to be those role-models for our children. We after all, are their first and best teachers. I know that many people became very angry at the media for giving him any airtime as they thought it was giving him exactly what he wanted, but I believe we are a society in denial. We don’t want to look at this person, who was also a senior at Virginia Tech. We want to remember the victims of the shooting, but I would hope that we as a society do not deny this and pretend it didn’t happen, because that is exactly what will bring the next person to do the same thing. We need more programs that mentor and coach students. It is one of the most stressful times for young adults. Often times, being away from home for the first time, without any parental authority, and many influences. Students often have to navigate their way around large campuses without little or no support. It may also be the first time they are in charge of their own finances and time management. This may seem like a vacation from afar, but it can be one of the most anxiety provoking situations for students. I believe coaching or mentoring programs with skilled mental health screeners would be very effective. I know there is a company that is offering services like this to a college in Orange County, but it is needed in all universities. I know that once the shock wears off that people will get very angry at Cho and his family and maybe even the administration, and the media, but I would like us to remember that he too was once a child and had needs and my question would be, “Did he get his needs met as a child?” If he had a healthy attachment, then he would have been a different person. We can scoff all we want about all this new-aged parenting philosophy but really what is going on is a return to what we once knew. That children must be given attention by their caregivers. They must be nurtured, loved, and respected. They must be treated as if they were a gift from God. We cannot continue to treat them in such a manner as to reinforce their powerlessness in our society or else we can expect more of the same. We cannot continue to do the same things over and over and expect different results. This is the definition for insanity. Until we change our thinking, parenting, lifestyles, and our legislation, this will continue to happen. We must learn to honor our children and learn from them. They are the closest vessel we have to God and his perfection. Children are not born mass murders! They are born perfect!
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Comment by Ahmed
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Isn't it just amazing how there are so many school shootings in America? Students can lose track of their goals, think everything is over for them then figure they may as well leave with a bang. I suppose if you just throw some guns into the mix you'll have yourself a massacre waiting to happen.
Here in Australia suicides are high, especially amongst the youth, if we had the same livberal gun laws as in the US we'd probably have our fair share of school shootings.
Comment by George
The Re-Parenting Revolution
Good point on the gun laws. What do you think is going on where children, teens, and young adults feel so hopeless and powerless that they must assert themselves in such a manner?
Peace,
George
Comment by Ahmed
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks