Sara Dobson
Rachel Henwood - Freelance WriterWhat is Your Parenting Style?
February 20th 2007 06:42
What is your parenting style? Often times we may not have even given this much thought. We inherit our parenting skills from our parents and we assume that we turned out well enough so why shouldn’t our kids right? Well I would like to suggest that none of us are born knowing how to parent. Think about it, we have to be shown how to ride a bike and it takes time. We also don’t just jump in the car and start driving. We usually have spent some hours studying the driver’s manual and applying for permits that test basic competency, but even that does not prepare us for getting behind the wheel. When we finally do get behind the wheel, it takes many more hours to get familiar with the vehicle and ultimately to navigate the vehicle through the busy streets and freeways.
Even then we don’t feel completely comfortable with those that are beginning drivers and try to avoid student drivers at all cost. We know that it takes time and experience to learn to drive. We also know that cars are always being improved and that we know way more today than we did about automobile safety than we did even fifty years ago. Nobody would argue that seatbelts save lives as do child car seats and booster seats, yet we don’t seem to give the same credibility to our care of children.
We still want to hold on to the idea that somehow if it was good enough for us than it should be good enough for them. Or at least I’m not beating my child. This is really too bad because we have learned so much more than we knew even fifty years ago. Can you imagine if we still adhered to old thinking we would still be driving around without seatbelts and children would still be riding around in the back of pick-ups.
A look at our parenting style might reveal that we need to learn a few tricks to be safe and raise healthy children and ultimately productive members of society. The three basic parenting styles are permissive, aggressive, and democratic. Of course you can see where this is going but we all fall somewhere on the range of this measure. At times we switch from one to the other and at others we have one style that permeates our household.
Permissive is the style we usually think of when the parents don’t set boundaries and let the children have the run of the household. We see this a lot on Super Nanny and these other shows where the child can pretty much do whatever they want. This is most often what is thought of as a “spoiled child” and this can be very upsetting for the parents as well as the child. The child does not have limits and hence may have to create them for himself. This poses a problem because children seek safety and they learn this by knowing that there are limits and boundaries set by their parents. When children don’t experience this they may feel out of control and may continually pushing boundaries and limits looking for somebody to help them feel safe.
The opposite of the passive style is the aggressive style. This is the household that is run with the iron fist. There is only one way that things are done and that is my way. This parent may yell or use a loud voice to get what they want. It works in the short-term but in the end we know all too well that these children are only responding based on fear and punishment. This has the effect of low self-esteem and often times children holding in their real feelings of anger and resentment only to have them resurface in the teen years.
Now the last parenting style that I would like to suggest is the democratic style. This parenting style is characterized by the parents giving the child choices within safe limits and boundaries. It does NOT mean that the children are given free run of the house. It means that whenever possible children’s thoughts and feelings are taken into account and given choices. The effect this has is that children learn that their thoughts and feelings matter and hence they have increased self-esteem, and they learn respect. They learn respect because you have modeled it for them. They see that you treat them with respect when you consider how they feel about something. The choices can be something as simple as do you want to wear the red or the green outfit today. Notice you still have control, as you decided what two colors to pick. This is called a “forced choice” and we will get into that at a later date, but you have empowered your child by giving him a choice.
The child’s self-esteem grows and he becomes more empowered to make decisions for himself in the future. It also allows him to think and become responsible. You can also include your children in some decision making processes if appropriate. Now mind you this is not always easy, and does require some thought on your part. If you do choose to use the democratic parenting style you will be showing your child that you value his opinion and you will be better preparing him to cooperate and be a productive member of society. After all we all want the same things for our children and that is for them to be happy, healthy, and have a good life.
In peace and gratitude,
George
Even then we don’t feel completely comfortable with those that are beginning drivers and try to avoid student drivers at all cost. We know that it takes time and experience to learn to drive. We also know that cars are always being improved and that we know way more today than we did about automobile safety than we did even fifty years ago. Nobody would argue that seatbelts save lives as do child car seats and booster seats, yet we don’t seem to give the same credibility to our care of children.
We still want to hold on to the idea that somehow if it was good enough for us than it should be good enough for them. Or at least I’m not beating my child. This is really too bad because we have learned so much more than we knew even fifty years ago. Can you imagine if we still adhered to old thinking we would still be driving around without seatbelts and children would still be riding around in the back of pick-ups.
A look at our parenting style might reveal that we need to learn a few tricks to be safe and raise healthy children and ultimately productive members of society. The three basic parenting styles are permissive, aggressive, and democratic. Of course you can see where this is going but we all fall somewhere on the range of this measure. At times we switch from one to the other and at others we have one style that permeates our household.
Permissive is the style we usually think of when the parents don’t set boundaries and let the children have the run of the household. We see this a lot on Super Nanny and these other shows where the child can pretty much do whatever they want. This is most often what is thought of as a “spoiled child” and this can be very upsetting for the parents as well as the child. The child does not have limits and hence may have to create them for himself. This poses a problem because children seek safety and they learn this by knowing that there are limits and boundaries set by their parents. When children don’t experience this they may feel out of control and may continually pushing boundaries and limits looking for somebody to help them feel safe.
The opposite of the passive style is the aggressive style. This is the household that is run with the iron fist. There is only one way that things are done and that is my way. This parent may yell or use a loud voice to get what they want. It works in the short-term but in the end we know all too well that these children are only responding based on fear and punishment. This has the effect of low self-esteem and often times children holding in their real feelings of anger and resentment only to have them resurface in the teen years.
Now the last parenting style that I would like to suggest is the democratic style. This parenting style is characterized by the parents giving the child choices within safe limits and boundaries. It does NOT mean that the children are given free run of the house. It means that whenever possible children’s thoughts and feelings are taken into account and given choices. The effect this has is that children learn that their thoughts and feelings matter and hence they have increased self-esteem, and they learn respect. They learn respect because you have modeled it for them. They see that you treat them with respect when you consider how they feel about something. The choices can be something as simple as do you want to wear the red or the green outfit today. Notice you still have control, as you decided what two colors to pick. This is called a “forced choice” and we will get into that at a later date, but you have empowered your child by giving him a choice.
The child’s self-esteem grows and he becomes more empowered to make decisions for himself in the future. It also allows him to think and become responsible. You can also include your children in some decision making processes if appropriate. Now mind you this is not always easy, and does require some thought on your part. If you do choose to use the democratic parenting style you will be showing your child that you value his opinion and you will be better preparing him to cooperate and be a productive member of society. After all we all want the same things for our children and that is for them to be happy, healthy, and have a good life.
In peace and gratitude,
George
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